bellion and really just go and break everything and go you know dye their hair pink and get a tattoo which uh which happens i never did that i always was a very well-mannered always like a very well-risk like respecting child and but i began internally i went out i began to go on my own questioning and i began to look for ways that could that could make this practice meaningful for me myself and and beautifully enough that actually is encouraged within the city community to to take the religion and personalize it and not just do it because it's been taught for you to do it that way and the first place that i was turning to consciously to try to try to make sense of things was to the scholastic argumentative maimonidean um ergo aristotelian side of things and even even engaging in and listening to sort of christian apologists trying to really and going through like teleological and ontological and cosmological and fine-tuning arguments being like i really need to rationally make sense of this thing so i can really firmly believe it um and i guess that's also by my disposition i i want to i want to try and understand and grasp things rationally and that project not that i was talking about this with anyone it was very private project but it was really failing for me and yeah and with with discovering um you know kantian critiques of this kind of knowledge and and and the with the complexities of terms like like essence and existence which which you don't really get in medieval philosophy but with with sort of with with the brunt of modern philosophy that that project became more less and less tenable right um and and and and there was there wasn't i would say there was an internal loss of faith where where i was kind of keeping facade externally and keeping practice because i was belonging to community and i had my friendship circles but internally it was it was just crumbling it was really just anything to blow it over and two things happened simultaneously one of them i'm more at liberty to speak to and one of th