of rabbinic literature and the judaism and the god that i was finding in my own miss in the jewish mystics and in the mystics of the world seemed to me to be irreconcilable and and and and if there was any question that that literally gnawed at my soul and kept me up from nights on end it was this question um and and wherever i was whenever i met a wise person who who i felt like might have some insight uh be they a rabbi or a pastor a teacher a grandmother i would this was the question i would post them and and i sat down and i recorded these conversations i've hundreds of subscribations and one day i'll do something with them god willing but um it's a question which which drove which drove me crazy of like like this this this new god that i've discovered which is which is which is beyond which is the the non-theistic which is the is it seems so sublime and beautiful and compelling and challenging what do i do with this with this old god with with you know my childhood god yeah and and and i i still don't know if i've reconciled that issue and i'm in two minds about it um part of me part of me believes um part of me believes first initially i thought i had to just completely eradicate that god get rid of it and i became like a militant non-theist non-theists but then but and maybe in more maturity or in moments of softness i'm realizing that maybe there is space in one's life in moments um of of toughness where one can relate to to the personified god um and where where there's a god as a mother or father to cry to um there's a very complex discussion in hindu theology about the specific point about the relationship between the two um representations of god ishvara and brahman yeah there's a book from rudolph otto called mysticism east and west where he where he compares arishankar with with maestro eckhart and he compares his god which is deutsch and and and and uh and theo so god dave dustin the godhead and and ishmael brahman and he really and and and the point which which comes out of there is is not the po