bellion really go break everything go know dye hair pink get tattoo uh happens never always well-mannered always like well-risk like respecting child began internally went began go questioning began look ways could could make practice meaningful beautifully enough actually encouraged within city community take religion personalize 's taught way first place turning consciously try try make sense things scholastic argumentative maimonidean um ergo aristotelian side things even even engaging listening sort christian apologists trying really going like teleological ontological cosmological fine-tuning arguments like really need rationally make sense thing really firmly believe um guess 's also disposition want want try understand grasp things rationally project talking anyone private project really failing yeah discovering um know kantian critiques kind knowledge complexities terms like like essence existence n't really get medieval philosophy sort brunt modern philosophy project became less less tenable right um n't would say internal loss faith kind keeping facade externally keeping practice belonging community friendship circles internally crumbling really anything blow two things happened simultaneously one 'm liberty speak one th